Mother's Day Reflections
Mother's Day Reflections
As I reflect back through the years of motherhood, to the very beginning, when after years of infertility I found out I was finally pregnant! What joy I felt in my heart! That joy quickly turned to fear when I began bleeding heavily at 6 weeks of pregnancy. I feared the worst!
Looking back, my mother heart was sinking and yet, I held out faith that everything would be okay. When we saw on ultrasound that baby was healthy and heartbeat was strong...all was well...for a little while.
Eighteen weeks approached and it was found on ultrasound that I was dilated. My cervix was pulsating. I was asked if I was having contractions which confused me, no, I didn't feel anything at all. I was rushed to surgery at 6am the next morning dilated to 3cm at 18 weeks of pregnancy. I had a surgery where a cerclage or metal wire stitch was sewn into my cervix to hold it at 3cm in hopes that this baby would remain long enough to survive.
I endured months of painfully lonely bedrest, no phone calls, no visitors, just silence as I lay praying that God would allow this baby to remain within me long enough to survive. As I lay unable to attend to cleaning, laundry, or other household chores my home became unbearably dirty. Visiting teachers came from church one day, saw the filthy conditions of my little apartment. They commented how it seemed I needed help....and yet I never saw them again.
Somehow my family who all lived within 15 minutes of me were busy with life and I lay there in filth all alone feeling this little one moving inside of me and praying for her to be born healthy and safe.
26 weeks and having mild labor, I was 90% effaced and the doctors did not expect me to make it to 27 weeks. Every week, I would come into the office and they would be surprised to see me. I know that by the grace and miracles of God this little girl remained inside until she was big enough to be born healthy.
Miraculously I made it to 36 weeks! My little 4 lb. 13 oz. 16 inches long baby girl was born. It was not easy, I went through every emotion and walked this long road completely alone and yet....here was this beautiful healthy little one! This is motherhood!
We had to feed her with a syringe because she could not suck well enough on her own. She woke up every 45 minutes at night because her tiny little tummy could only hold 1/4-1/2 oz. at one time. Sleepless nights with newborns is another moment of motherhood. It is hard in those wee morning hours when you can't imagine that this will ever end....and yet it does.
Time goes by, babies don't keep. They grow up so fast!
I am also an adoptive mother
After nine long, painful years of infertility I was led into the world of adoption. That process is a story for another day. But on this mothers day I want to speak to all those women who become mothers through this beautiful broken road.
As a woman and adoptive mother I am not under any delusion that I am the optimal plan for this precious child. I am not! In a perfect world EVERY.SINGLE.CHILD deserves to be loved and cherished by their biological parents. A child deserves the mother who literally created him or her in her body and sacrificed to bring that child into this world. They deserve to be loved by the one who gave them life. Every child deserves to be raised by the father who is biologically connected to them and who played an integral role in their creation and life. This biological connection is so vital for all of us and how we feel connected to who we are and where we came from.
However, I am not naive and I realize that we live in an imperfect and fallen world. Unfortunately many children do not have the opportunity to be cherished and loved by the parents who gave them life. Through no fault of their own, their life becomes plan B.
I am plan B!
Regardless of the fact that we as adoptive mothers are our children's plan B. This does not make us any less of a mother. There is something so beautiful and so selfless to step into the unknown world of adoption and to commit to caring for a child whose parents, for whatever reason, are unable to care for their child.
Some people have told me in the painful moments as I experience the trauma and pain my daughter has suffered from being abandoned as a young child that I should not ask for help or prayers because.... I chose this for myself.
To those who choose such a callous view I say, I did not choose this! God chose me for this!
I do not know why, and I do not claim to be any better than any other woman, but for some reason unbeknownst to me...God chose me for this!
There are days it is heart wrenching, painful, and full of grief.
There are days full of laughter, joy, and love
Raising a child from a traumatic background is never easy and those mothers who are called to walk this road....NEED your prayers, we need your love, we need your support!!
No matter whether you became a mother through carrying a child and bringing that child into the world or you found it in your heart to be a mother to the motherless...you are a mother.
This applies to every woman! Each woman needs love, support, prayers and acceptance as she walks through the trenches of motherhood in nurturing the children within her care.
Very heartfelt writing Tandi! Thanks for sharing :)
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